I sat in my Hong Kong therapy room, gazing out into the darkness of a stormy rain. Following standard protocol for a black rain alert, my colleagues had stayed home, and every one of my clients had cancelled their appointments. Seated alone in the empty clinic, the sound of rain pounding against the floor-to-ceiling windows was the only noise I could hear. I wondered aloud, "Am I content with the way my life is unfolding?" Several hours later, I made the decision to resign from my position. A couple of days after that, I also gave notice on my rental home. It has now been a year since I took that leap, and I've come to believe that it was the best choice I could have made.
The start of a new year often prompts reflection, and the tradition of making New Year's resolutions is well-known. Perhaps we aim to eat more healthily, work out more frequently, or finally pursue that long-held hobby. A recent survey conducted in Hong Kong by YouGov revealed that the most common resolutions for 2024 focused on finances, traveling, relationships, health, and exercise. As many gym owners are aware, our commitment to our New Year's promises tends to be strong in January, drops off in February, and by March, we often fall back into our old habits. The statistics are quite discouraging: research suggests that over 90 per cent of adults fail to follow through on their resolutions. Achieving lasting change is a challenging task.
In order to make any progress in our lives, whether it's a minor tweak or a comprehensive transformation, we must approach it in a methodical and incremental way. The initial step requires a leap of faith into the unknown. Even the smallest changes can seem daunting and it's common to prolong the process when we're not entirely satisfied with our current situation. In my case, a major decision had been contemplated for quite some time, but I had tried to put it on the backburner. Why? The status quo is often a comfortable state to be in.
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It was the end of 2023: six months after Hong Kong had ended the 945-day mask requirement. Three years of hardship, anxiety, and emotional pain. Countless studies have documented the significant increase in mental health issues during the pandemic, primarily involving mood disorders, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress disorders. It was a time we have eventually become accustomed to not regularly think about, despite the lasting effects it has had on our mental wellness.
For many of us, it's been a struggle to keep moving forward, coping with challenges in any way possible. Lingering mental health concerns have continued to weigh us down. We've been holding onto hope that things would eventually return to normal, allowing us to regain control over our lives. However, the aftermath of the pandemic hasn't been a simple return to the past. Instead, it's brought about a new reality, one in which both the world and we ourselves have been transformed.
Change is inevitable. The events we encounter contribute to the story of our lives, and as a result, we are constantly in a state of change, even when it feels like we are stagnant. We may be in a troubled relationship, yet the idea of being single is unsettling. Alternatively, we could be working long hours in a job that is suffocating our creativity, but the anxiety of not paying our bills is overwhelming. Maybe we don't even know what would genuinely bring us happiness. Perhaps we are too hesitant to make a change, unable to upset the status quo.
Changing the current situation, even when it's necessary, can be extremely unsettling. Our minds naturally prefer routine, as it feels secure. Studies in neuroscience indicate that modifications are evaluated in two critical areas of the brain: the amygdala, which controls emotions, and the prefrontal cortex, which handles cognitive functions. The amygdala responds to uncertainty with dread, which can be overwhelming, prompting us to seek stability.
The prefrontal cortex is instrumental in overseeing control, making decisions, and adjusting to changing circumstances. This brain region undergoes significant energetic demands to perform effectively. However, when we are highly fearful, these resources are channeled towards immediate survival, causing a disengagement from rational thought processes. As a result, the communication between the emotional and cognitive areas of our brain breaks down, impairing our capacity for clear thinking and effective management of fear, ultimately leading to paralysis and a preference for known risks over new opportunities.
Was I scared to give up my only source of income and step away from a career I'd spent most of my early adult life building? Definitely. However, in a period of transition, we have the chance to shape the future we envision. The antidote to worry about what's to come isn't control, but innovation. This isn't the time to dampen our excitement. It's the moment to give ourselves the freedom to imagine what our lives might be like if we were headed in a new direction. No matter how significant or minor the changes we need are, they always begin with a deep-seated desire that we must pay attention to.
Changing involves effort. Overhauling my entire life seemed like trying to tackle a vast multitude of tasks simultaneously: tying up loose ends at work; selling, packing, and relocating; managing personal affairs such as bank accounts, MPF, taxes, and address updates. When added to the challenges of accommodating partners, pets, children, or elderly relatives, it's simple to feel overwhelmed. I concentrated on performing individual tasks to mitigate being overwhelmed by the bigger picture of change.
6. Termination, where we have successfully integrated the desired change into our lives.
Unawareness can lead to a state of complacency, yet unconsciously, the groundwork for future transformation may already be being laid. The contemplation phase proves to be the most challenging; we've recognized the need for change, yet we're uncertain about what steps to take next. This indecision can induce a sense of analysis paralysis, where we exhaustively examine every minute aspect of our situation, becoming eventually frozen in inaction. Remaining in a state of limbo only intensifies anxiety, and anxiety, in turn, often leads us to revert to our limiting beliefs.
"A phrase we often say is, 'I can't do it.' This is arguably the most common and prominent expression of self-doubt in history. Our self-efficacy, or our confidence in our abilities, has a two-way connection with change. To effect change, we need to think we are capable, and also, making change increases our faith in ourselves.
As adults, we're often forced to confront harsh realities, leaving our carefree days behind. We've been conditioned to believe that growing up means sacrificing leisure and fun for the drudgery of responsibility. Yet, the truth is, neglecting our mental well-being can have severe consequences, emphasizing the importance of finding a balance between responsibility and liberation. It's crucial to strike a delicate balance between the two to live a life of tranquility and joy.
Allowing yourself to let go of the assumption that some choices are inherently wrong can be relieving. We often struggle due to the fear of failure, suffering a loss, losing loved ones, or looking foolish. If we understand the root cause of our hesitation, we can address it and take action. Once a decision has been made, we move from contemplation to preparation, allowing anxiety to give way to determination, control, self-reliance, enthusiasm, clarity of purpose, and action.
Transformation can be difficult. When we experience any change, we acquire something new, yet we also relinquish something. This demands strength of character. Perhaps we are abandoning a location we once considered our sanctuary, disrupting our established patterns, or experiencing a detachment in relationships that had previously been our closest and most intimate bonds. We may feel that we are not permitted to express sorrow as we opted for this change, but just because better times are on the horizon does not mean we cannot grapple with the loss of what we are leaving behind.
There are times when I'm caught off guard by how much I miss idle moments on top of my favourite tree or watching our Lantau cows eagerly expectant of the juicy orange slices at my gate. I miss friends dropping by for a cup of coffee and gathering around bonfires with marshmallows that were somewhat burnt to a crisp. Nonetheless, I also deeply cherish this life that I have chosen.
It is crucial to make room for grieving and the other intense emotions brought about by change, including anxiety, ire, remorse, or self-reproach. Pondering these feelings helps us to work through them. It also allows us to express significant farewells not just to locations and individuals, but also to components of our former selves in favor of who we are choosing to become.
Before that significant rainstorm, I had felt stagnant. Three long years of constant pandemic-related changes and unpredictability from one week to the next, left my mind yearning for stability, even though I wasn't particularly content. I felt stuck on a never-ending cycle: work to pay my bills, save for my future, and advance in my career. Major life milestones like owning a home, getting married, and starting a family were looming, and while they can be overwhelming, they also seemed less daunting than deviating from societal expectations.
As many of us do, I kept counting on changes to occur. Once the pandemic ends, we'd get that promotion, meet our perfect match, have kids, or whatever our hopes enticed us, things would improve. But I had to accept that changes needed to happen in the present, not in hypothetical future scenarios. When I finally took charge of shaping my life, relief washed over me, and everything began to fall into place.
My network has reached out with a variety of requests since I stopped working. I've been approached to provide consulting services for corporate training programs and assist with the development of mental health apps. In addition, I've been creating and hosting immersive therapy retreats, which have allowed me to travel to places I've always wanted to visit, such as spending four months with a tribe in Borneo and exploring the islands of the Maldives. While it hasn't been problem-free, this experience has been truly incredible. My physical and emotional well-being have both improved, as I no longer feel drained by the daily demands of working.
Deep within us, there exists a vast cemetery of forgotten ambitions with weathered tombstones and wilted flowers that once symbolized optimism. It's high time to exhume these dreams and recapture the essence of what inspired us. Allow the upcoming year to serve as a moment for introspection, allowing you to tune in to your inner voice regarding your emotional state and the areas you'd like to transform. Cultivate self-confidence and trust in yourself. This is an investment in your mental well-being and the boundless opportunities that await us going forward.
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This article originally appeared on the South China Morning Post (www.scmp.com), the leading news media outlet covering China and the Asia region.
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